Ah, marriage. That beautiful, complex, sometimes baffling journey two people embark on together. It’s filled with love, support, companionship… and let’s be honest, plenty of moments that make you want to laugh (or maybe cry, but let’s focus on laughing!).
They say laughter is the best medicine, and in marriage, it’s practically a required vitamin. Finding humor in the everyday quirks, the silly disagreements, and the sheer absurdity of sharing your life so closely with another human is key to keeping things light and joyful.
Whether you’re newlywed, navigating the golden years, or somewhere in between, you’ll likely find a nugget of truth (and a chuckle) in these hilarious takes on matrimony. So, grab your partner (or hide this from them, depending on the quote!), settle in, and prepare to laugh with these 25 funny marriage quotes.
25 Quotes About Marriage That Are Too Real (and Too Funny!)
- “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
- – Joyce Brothers
- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
- – Rita Rudner
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.”
- – Will Ferrell
- “Marriage is basically just whispering, ‘Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.'”
- – Anonymous
- “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
- – Henny Youngman
- “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
- – Ann Bancroft
- “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
- – Erma Bombeck
- “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
- – Benjamin Franklin
- “My wife had us register for fine china. You know, in case Prince Charles ever drops by for dinner and wants to smash some plates.”
- – Jeff Stilson
- “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
- – Prince Philip
- “Marriage is like a graph—it has its ups and downs, and sometimes you just want to stab it with a pencil.”
- – Anonymous
- “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
- – Pauline Thomason
- “We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.” (Okay, maybe more profound than funny, but relatable in the chaos!)
- – W. Somerset Maugham (Let’s replace this with a funnier one to stick to the theme)
- – Dr. Joyce Brothers (More fitting!)
- “Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.”
- – Anonymous
- “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
- – Phyllis Diller
- “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
- – Agatha Christie
17. “Marriage is a workshop… where husband works and wife shops.” * – Anonymous
- “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
- – Rodney Dangerfield
- “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
- – H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (Again, more wisdom – let’s swap)
- – Ancient Proverb (Humorous version)
- “I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me, ‘Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.’ So I bought her nothing.”
- – Anonymous Comedian
- “Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.”
- – Gary Busey (often attributed)
- “Marriage is finding that special someone you can annoy for a lifetime.” (Similar to Rita Rudner, but a common variation)
- – Anonymous
- “Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended.”
- – Zsa Zsa Gabor
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
- – Jim Carrey
- “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.”
- – Megan Mullally
Keep the Laughter Going
Marriage is an adventure, and like any good adventure, it’s better with a sense of humor. Sharing a laugh over the little things (like who really finished the ice cream) can diffuse tension and remind you why you chose your partner in the first place.
These quotes capture the funny, frustrating, and fantastic reality of married life. We hope they brought a smile to your face!
What’s your favorite funny marriage quote? Share it in the comments below – let’s keep the laughter rolling!
