80 Funny Christmas Quotes to Cure Holiday Stress

The Christmas season can bring a mix of joy, stress, and maybe a good dose of family-induced craziness. Lighten things up and ditch the holiday blues with a collection of funny Christmas quotes guaranteed to make you chuckle!

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Funny Christmas Quotes

1. “The only reason for the season is eggnog.” – Groucho Marx (A classic cynical quote for a chuckle)
2. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz (A funny observation about the extravagance of Christmas)
3. “Dear Santa, I was framed. Please check the other reindeer.” – Unknown (A cute and playful take on the naughty or nice list)
4. “Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres (A relatable and humorous observation on a common Christmas food)
5. “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. That way, you can blame someone else for singing off-key.” – Victoria Moran (A relatable and self-deprecating joke about caroling)
6. “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll take the eggnog.” – Unknown (A punny twist on the classic Christmas song)
7. “Egg nog is proof that you can drink your dessert.” – Unknown (A lighthearted and relatable observation about this festive drink)
8. “The reason Santa is so jolly is because he only sees children once a year.” – Unknown (A cheeky and playful take on Santa’s demeanor)
9. “Christmas is the season for giving – and getting fat.” – Unknown (A relatable and humorous observation about holiday indulgence)
10. “Christmas wouldn’t be complete without arguing with your family about where to put the ornaments on the tree.” – Unknown (A relatable and slightly cynical take on a common Christmas experience)

11. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allen

12. “Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry

13. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge

14. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” -Johnny Carson

15. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Christmas: the time when everyone’s getting a sweater they don’t want, from people they don’t like.” – Unknown

17. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.” – George Carlin

18. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loudly…until everyone covers their ears.” – Will Ferrell (Elf)

19. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

20. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘toys not included’.” – Bernard Manning

21. “If I had my life to do over again, I would start opening my Christmas presents right after Halloween.” – Unknown

22. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and heasked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

23. “Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because they have the present all wrapped up.” – Unknown

24. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar

25. “Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?” – Unknown

26. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor

27. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips

28. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” – Henny Youngman

29. “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

30. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson

@quoteaura Christmas: where time stands still and memories are woven into the fabric of the day. 🎄 Embracing the magic that holds all moments together. #Timeless #Christmas #MemoriesInMotion #ChristmasMagic ♬ original sound – QuoteAura

31. “Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are whenadults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm

32. “The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” – Unknown

33. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Unknown

34. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” – Kin Hubbard

35. “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn

36. “Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.” – Unknown

37. “The worst part about a family Christmas photo is realizing you’re the good-looking one.” – Unknown

38. “For centuries men have kept an appointment with Christmas. Christmas means fellowship, feasting, giving and receiving, a time of good cheer, home.” – W.J Cameron

39. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?” – Bart Simpson, The Simpsons

40. “My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others.” – Bob Hope

 

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41. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other, year after year.” – Johnny Carson

42. “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Unknown

43. “Christmas is close! So, be good for goodness sake!” – Unknown

44. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear

45. “The ideal Christmas gift is something everyone wants, something no one would think of buying on their own, and something that is slightly too expensive.” – Author Unknown

46. “Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You’re getting clothes and a dictionary.” – Unknown

47. “Christmas sweaters are only mandatory if you work at a Christmas sweater shop.” — Unknown

48. “There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” – Kristen Wiig

49. “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” – Melanie White

50. “Once you stop believing in Santa Claus, you get underwear.” – Bart Simpson, The Simpsons

51. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.” – George Carlin

52. “Christmas is a time when you get homesick — even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson

53. “I love Christmas gift shopping. By the time I find something to buy for my wife, it’s usually something I want for myself.” – Unknown

54. “Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” – Kin Hubbard

55. “The surest sign an adult has become a parent is the number of times they check whether the kids are asleep on Christmas Eve.” – Unknown

56. “A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” – Melanie White

57. “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” – Will Ferrell, Elf

58. “Instead of gifts this year, I’m giving everyone my opinion. Get excited.” – Unknown

59. “Santa’s had the right idea. Visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge

60. “There’s no place like home for the holidays—unless, of course, home is a Caribbean resort.” – Unknown

🎅🥁 Santa’s got rhythm! Ever wondered why he started a music band? Because he’s got the drumsticks! 🤣🎄

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61. “My husband and I decided we don’t want Christmas presents for each other this year. It’s great, because now we both know we’re not getting anything.” – Unknown

62. “This holiday season, let’s try to remember that the things we love the most about the holidays aren’t the things.” – Unknown

63. “The elf on the shelf is great, but you know what would be better? The elf that takes down those darn Christmas decorations.” – Unknown

64. “There are four stages of life:

    1. You believe in Santa Claus.
    2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
    3. You are Santa Claus.
    4. You look like Santa Claus. ” – Unknown

65. “If kisses were snowflakes, I’d send you a blizzard.” – Unknown

66. “Christmas is Claus for celebration.” – Unknown

67. “The worst part about Christmas shopping is explaining to my bank account what happened.” – Unknown

68. “Christmas is like your job. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.” – Unknown

69. “Christmas: When you get what you want but it turns out you don’t want it anyway.” – Unknown

70. “I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou

 

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71. “Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home.” – G.K. Chesterton

72. “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – Dennis Miller

73. “My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?” – Bob Hope

74. “A good conscience is a continual Christmas.” – Benjamin Franklin

75. “Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.” – Harlan Miller

76. “I’m only a morning person on December 25th.” – Unknown

77. “There’s nothing cozier than a Christmas tree all lit up.” – Jenny Han

78. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown

79. “Adults can take a simple holiday for children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” – Erma Bombeck

80. “The principal advantage of the non-existence of Santa Claus is that I am spared the necessity of pretending to like his presents.”- Unknown