Are you looking to add some extra cheer and laughter to your Christmas celebrations? Get ready to spread some serious holiday chuckles with this collection of witty Christmas quotes! These gems are packed with humor, clever puns, and a sprinkle of Christmas magic that will leave you (and your loved ones) laughing all the way to the New Year.
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Witty Christmas Quotes
Funny Family Quotes:
- “All I want for Christmas is a quiet house… and maybe a new family.”
- “Christmas dinner: a time of love, laughter, and passive-aggressive comments about your weight.”
- “Eggnog is proof that you can drink your Christmas tree.”
- “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the kids wake me up, it’ll be a black eye Christmas.”
- “What’s the best way to wrap a present for your parents? Put their label on an empty box.”
“My Christmas wish: For the same patience with my family that I give to complete strangers.” – Unknown
“Christmas with the kids: Half the fun is watching them unwrap the batteries to play with the box.” – Unknown
“Christmas sweater weather: Where being tacky is socially acceptable.” – Unknown
“Christmas: The time of year when wine moms really shine.” – Unknown
“Dear Santa, is it too late to change my ‘nice’ status?” – Unknown
“My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others.” – Bob Hope
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick — even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
“Our holidays often turn into ‘holy-daze.'” – Unknown
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar
“There’s nothing cozier than a Christmas sweater when you accidentally spill cranberry sauce all over it.” – Unknown
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” – Garrison Keillor
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” – Dave Barry
“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.” – Unknown
“Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You’re getting clothes and a dictionary.” – Unknown
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul
Sarcastic Gift Giving:
- “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. Especially those who haven’t finished their shopping yet.” – Attributed to Will Ferrell in Elf (movie)
- “Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a lot of things that make you happy… like presents at Christmas.”
- “I’m not saying I’m a bad gift giver, but I once bought my friend a sweater her cat would look good in.”
- “The reason Santa has such a big belly? He has to sample all the cookies he leaves out.”
- “Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Except for that one time, but hey, I can explain.”
“All I want for Christmas…is to not go bankrupt.” – Unknown
“This Christmas, remember: Batteries not included. ” – Unknown
“This year, try giving the gift of absence.” – Unknown
“My gift-wrapping skills: Just as impressive as my fruitcake baking skills.” – Unknown
“‘It’s the thought that counts’…or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.” – Unknown
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson
“To truly understand Christmas, just try wrapping a present while your cat believes you’re playing.” – Unknown
“I love presents! You can’t eat appreciation and it can’t keep you warm at night.” – Unknown
“One good thing about Christmas shopping is that it toughens you up for when you eventually go into battle to find a parking spot at the mall.” – Unknown
“Nothing says ‘holiday’ like a cheese log.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.” – George Carlin
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it back because he said it was a rip off.” – Unknown
“Dear Santa, please define ‘nice.'” – Unknown
“The perfect Christmas gift: A fruitcake to someone you don’t like.” – Unknown.
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney
Holiday Shenanigans:
- “Christmas is a time for family. And by family, I mean the people you actually like.”
- “Christmas lights are proof that even the dead can get into the holiday spirit.” (reference to light-up decorations)
- “My definition of burnout: Folding all the Christmas wrapping paper the next day.”
- “Research shows that people who open their Christmas presents early are happy. The research was funded by people who open their Christmas presents early.”
- “Dear Santa, can you please bring me a new phone? I promise I’ve been good…ish.”
“Me before Christmas: Organized and in control. Me after Christmas: A stressed-out mess.” – Unknown
“The fastest way to ruin your Christmas mood: Trying to untangle those blasted lights.” – Unknown
“Nothing says Christmas like frantically searching for that one gift you forgot to buy.” – Unknown
“I put so much thought into my Christmas shopping, I can’t remember what I got anyone.” – Unknown
“My fitness goal this December: Avoid running out of eggnog.” – Unknown
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” – Unknown
“It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.” – Unknown
“Christmas is magical and exhausting all at the same time.” – Unknown
“‘Tis the season to be tipsy.” – Unknown
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” – Winston Spear
“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan
“The worst part about a holiday office party is having to mingle with people you successfully avoid the other 364 days of the year.” – Unknown
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.” – Unknown
“My favorite part of the holiday season is blaming my weight gain on the festive food.” – Unknown
“Dear Santa, I was framed.” – Unknown
Witty Observations:
- “Christmas: A season of giving… and getting way too much stuff you don’t need.”
- “The only thing worse than fruitcake is fruitcake regifting.”
- “Mistletoe: proof that even plants can get a kiss at Christmas.”
- “Christmas carols: reminding you to be of good cheer, even when your neighbor’s singing is off-key.”
- “Dear credit card company, Please forgive me. It’s Christmas. Love, Me.”
“Christmas: The only time it’s acceptable to eat candy canes for breakfast.” – Unknown
“Christmas is Claus for celebration!” – Unknown
“Sleigh all day? Nope.” – Unknown
“Dear Santa, I can explain…” – Unknown
“The real miracle of Christmas: Somehow surviving it all.” – Unknown
“Adults can take a simple holiday for children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who is wearing a new plaid sweater.” – Erma Bombeck
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” – Andy Borowitz
“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first, your money or your feet.” – Unknown
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home.” – G.K. Chesterton
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he askedfor my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” – Unknown
“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips
“‘One can never have enough socks,’ said Dumbledore. ‘Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.'” – J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Pop Culture 2024
- “I’m feeling more Grinch than Santa this year.” (reference to Grinch character)
- “May your days be merry and bright… and your streaming service subscriptions paid up.”
- “Baby Yoda says: “The Force is strong with the Christmas cookies this year.”
- “Working retail during the holidays: Basically living in a Hallmark movie, but without the happy ending.”
- “Dear Alexa, play some upbeat Christmas music. I need a distraction from all this family drama.”
